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Quiet Kind of Crazy
December 2006
 
 
 
 
 
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quietkindocrazy
quietkindocrazy
Winifred Burkle
Mon, Dec. 4th, 2006 03:01 pm

Everything that had happened up to this point seemed almost un-real. I still couldn't quite process what had happened and all the implications that it was gonna bring. I wondered who could do such a thing. I had seen a lot of things since my days in Pylea. Even more, after we decided to come to work at Wolfram and Hart, but I had never seen anything like this. It was simply so cruel. So calculated. Who could have the stomach for it? I wondered what Angel would say, how he would react to the news. Actually, I didn't have to wonder, I already knew.

I couldn't stop thinking about every one that had died in the blast. I imagined all their bodies, burned. I didn't even dare to turn on the T.V; the media was probably at the scene right now. I didn't want to have to see what remained...

Just a few minutes before we had all been talking about them. Debating weather or not to call and clear things up with them. And just like that, we find out that there is nothing left. Wesley's mother confirmed everything for us. I wondered if she had someone to console her, some one comfort her in her loss, but Wesley never really talked about his parents, so I didn't know. I had felt bad enough for asking her about what happened when she was too upset to talk, but we had to know for sure. Wesley had to know for sure.

At first, Wesley didn't even move when the news of the massacre were confirmed. You'd think he had turned catatonic or something like that; he just stood there, with the phone in his hand unable to say not one word to his mom. And even after I hung up, and looked at him, there was no reaction from him. It was as if though he wasn't even there. Of course that was until I broke down and started to cry. I hadn't meant to do that. I had wanted to be the strong one, but for those few moments after I began to process everything, I just simply couldn't hold back the tears. I hugged Wesley, and tried to find some comfort in his arms, but he was the one that was in need of comforting.

It was only when I regained my composure that Wesley let his emotions take the best of him. He began to cry, almost shake in my arms and then together we fell onto the floor. Everything he had wanted to say, everything he had been feeling simply came out in just one punch right then and there and he was a lost man.

I had never seen Wesley so heart broken, it was as if his whole world was coming down on him and there was no way to hold the pieces together. From the corner of my eye I saw Charles leaving the room giving us the privacy we so desperately needed. He was already trying to get answers, and I wouldn't doubt if he tried to call Angel either, tell him all that had happened. He too was going to be devastated. He knew everyone there better than any one of us.

Why were our lives always so full of tragedies?

I held Wesley so close and caressed his hair as he cried in my arms. I had to be strong for him, I had to be here for him no matter what, and I always would be. I let him cry, let him get it all out until, until there was nothing left inside of him.

What could I say to make him feel better? What could I do to make the pain go away? I didn't know, so I simply held him there, letting his tears mix with mine. "Shhhh.... it's okay. I'm here," I said softly in his ear. And slowly he began to calm down. There was nothing that I could say to him that would make things better for him, all I could do was simply comfort him as best I could.

[Open to Wesley]

Current Mood: sad sad

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Winifred Burkle
Sun, Dec. 3rd, 2006 01:33 pm

I wondered how long I had been in hell... I wondered how my friends were doing, how- how Wesley was doing. I had so many questions, as always, and no one to give me a decent answer. It was day time already; I didn't want to intrude on anyone's party the previous night when I was brought back from the dead. I guess, the shock of coming back was a tough pill to swallow and I didn't feel like explaining myself. I didn't even know where 'here' was... but it wasn't L.A. that was for sure. I had never been anywhere out side of L.A. No, wait, there was Texas. I had grown up there. And there was also Pylea. Been there too... Hell? I had been in hell, or my own private hell. Maybe I had gone crazy and it had all been in my mind... Maybe I had ended up in some place for loonies and somehow escaped and now I was better? Doubtful. But in morbid sort of way, a bit comforting. I guess I still didn't want to believe that I was here, and I was truly alive. I had watched everyone from a distance; I was always good at sneaking around. Something I learned in Pylea. I was cold and hungry too, but compared to where I had just been, this was another day at park. At some point I fell as sleep. Guess I was afraid that I would wake up there again. But I didn't.

I did, however, have many dreams. Some dreams were just mundane, didn't really mean anything. Other dreams- well, they were of the times when I was in hell, lost and lone. For a second, I thought that they were real, until they dissolved and I began to dream of other things...

Wesley, Charles, Angel and Cordelia and I were having dinner together, Chinese. I couldn't remember what we were talking about, but I remember laughing and being uncomfortable with the use of a spoon and fork. I felt happy, and warm. I was amongst friends, people that cared for me, and I cared for them. We were all a family. Wished I could have stayed in that dream a bit longer.

Then I dreamed about Wolfram and Hart. About Wesley and I, about the sarcophagus. I felt so stupid for being so curious about everything. Felt stupid because I wasn't careful when I knew the dangers and because of it I had lost everything that mattered. I wondered what it was that killed me and I wondered if they had been able to destroy it before it did any more damage.

My boys I said to myself. They would have won, no doubt about that. They always found a way to beat the bad guy.

I didn't really remember the last thing I dreamt about. It really didn't mean anything to me, but somehow things in my dream did feel familiar. Maybe it was just one of those dreams we have that, are just meaningless and you don't have them because you watched a movie or listened to a song right before you went to bed. I really didn't know.

I was in a cave, or at least it looked like a cave and I was standing in the middle of it, on a bridge that connected one side of the cave to the other. And I was looking down on it. There were coffins or that's what they looked like to me, and somehow I knew that the whole went all the way through, all the way to the other side of the world. I was simply looking down all the way through the other side. And that was all. I woke up after that.

I was a little startled at first. I didn't know where I was, or what I had been doing, but then I remembered all that had happened.

I need to call Wolfram & Hart. That was the first thought that had popped into my head.

That had been on my mind almost from the moment I arrived. I had to let someone know I was okay. That- that I was alive, that I was back. I had to call my parents, I had to let them all know. I had to...

I took a deep breath. I wasn't gonna solve nothing by just standing here. I picked a few leaves from hair and made my way towards the front door. I hoped that who ever answered the door didn't think I was some type of crazy woman. I reached for the door and knocked. I stood there for a few seconds then realized that there was a doorbell. How could I have missed it? Did I come back from the dead with less brain cells? "Focus Fred, focus.." I was just so nervous and anxious. Finally, I rang the doorbell and waited. Hopefully some one in this place was gonna be nice enough to help me.

[Open to Kennedy]

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Current Mood: thoughtful thoughtful

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Winifred Burkle
Sun, Nov. 12th, 2006 01:23 pm

I was dying all over again, I could feel it coming- my skin so cold and hard like stone- the cold heat burning me up from the inside out, leaving nothing but an empty shell. I was dying, in hell, I was dying... always dying- only this time Wesley wasn't at my bedside with tears in his eyes. This time, I wasn't the one trying to be strong. The words he spoke over and over again while I pleaded with him to forgive me for- for everything... were that of a man who had lost it all.

It was all happening so quickly, and yet, it really wasn’t.

He held me steady as I began to fall to the ground, his eyes empty and almost full of hate. I closed my eyes hoping that it would all end soon, but it didn't- it never did, not soon enough. The pain that I felt was unbearable, but his words were even worse- I could have lived forever in hell without those words. They were like knives, and I didn't know how to shut them out.

"Fred," He said, his lips touching my skin. "I loved you, but I died in the arms of a lie. You were a lie, Fred, that’s all you ever were. Nothing but a lie..."

"I'm sorry, Wesley... I'm sorry I couldn't stay." I was crying, my body trembling, almost convulsing. I knew this moment all too well. I knew what came next, and yet, I didn’t- I always wished for a different ending, but it was only wishful thinking. Death was always the end.

I felt him push me away hard letting my limp body fall to the floor, making a loud ‘thump’ as it hit the hard cold floor. And just like that it was over. Wesley was gone, and I was the only thing left in this place. I was alone again, alone in the dark, in hell. Soon, everything would start all over again, all from the beginning...

Cross my heart...Collapse )

Current Mood: confused confused

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Winifred Burkle
Wed, Nov. 9th, 2005 03:20 pm

I could see the symbols in my mind... all of them there, jumbled up together like- like momma’s soup, the one she used to make on Sundays. Things didn’t quite make sense anymore, and I was lost again, so lost, and so alone just like I had been before- ...before what? I tried to scribble everything I could remember on the walls of the cave, over and over; the numbers and letters that made up the mathematical and quantum equation that had brought me here in the first place, along with things I tried hard not to forget because... because they were the only things that I had left, the only things that made me almost human in this place, and not just some animal lost somewhere in an alternate dimension for five years- or was it longer than that...? I closed my eyes and tried to remember the words in the book: Plrtz Glrb... or was it Glrb Plrtz. I wasn’t sure anymore.

Poor little Fred- fell right into the rabbit hole and now she’s lost through the looking glass in a time and a in a place where monsters live, there are no white rabbits and there are no cats with creepy smiles that disappear into thin air, or caterpillars that smoke... how does the story go?

I kept trying to find the click, trying hard to make sense out of things, trying hard to remember something that I had lost- memories that made me... me. And every time I got close, every time the blur began to focus the pain would come, making me feel like an empty shell, the skin so hard and cold, like the walls of the care. My hands hurt from etching out the letters, words and numbers on the walls and floors of the cave-- and just as I finished the writing the story, my story, everything became a blur and began to fade as fast as I had put it there.

So lost.

I began to scribble on the walls again and as always, the voice in the background began to speak, it was low at first, barely a whisper until it started to take shape, take form and become recognizable. Almost familiar?

Winifred in wonderland, or is it hell?Collapse )

Current Mood: scared scared

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Winifred Burkle
Mon, Sep. 12th, 2005 10:49 pm

So as usual, the day had been just so weird. And not just any kind of weird, this was like, small town weird. The only normal thing that had happened to me all week had been when I accidentally bumped into one of the students as I was headed to class, and then helped her pick up the books that went flying off of her hands as I clumsily ran into her. She seemed really nice, kinda quiet, but really nice and it was about time that I bumped into someone who was nice. Not that students here weren’t, and- well, neither was I during my strange trip to the twilight zone. I was still trying to get my head around that one. And I was planning on doing my own little research on possessions and the magicks and all of that stuff. I needed to understand what had happened to me, and- well, also needed to thank Willow again for helping me out on that one.

Yeah, and the week only got better. Not only had I been possessed, and... de-possessed, Wesley had left too, my fault apparently, I knew it had to be, since the last time we were together... yeah... wasn't even gonna reminisce at how awful I had been with him. And then, the thing that had caught my attention the most had been the Newspaper article that talked about the school losing its government funding. That was a major blow, to the science department, and I had to think about how it was going to affect my own studies. Things didn't begin to click right away in my head. I had just seen it as a series of unfortunate events that happened from time to time, but as I read the article in depth, I realized that it was a little more complicated than that.

I had been looking forward all semester to Professor Walsh's Science Outreach Program. And most of the students here knew that she was one of its biggest supporters. And yeah, sometime these things happen, programs get cut down, there's less funding that goes into the program, or it gets cut down all together, like it did here. But that was not the thing that struck me as odd, what piqued my interest was the fact that Professor Walsh decided to leave U.C. Sunnydale right after they cut the funds. To my knowledge, she wasn't disliked or anything like that. Yeah, she was tough, but she was also one of the top professors in the school... so why the sudden rush?

You'd think I'd leave that alone right there. Just one thought out of the pool of many that fill my head from hour to hour. But as I walked to one of my classes, I couldn't help but notice the overwhelming army presence around the school. And to me, it just seemed a little more than just coincidence. I still had about forty minutes before class started, so I decided to take a little detour and make my way towards the library, where I could dig up some more stuff about the different programs that were funded by the government here in school. The other thing that hovered in my mind like an electron was the death of another student. I hated to think that things were connected, but I couldn't help but notice how these army guys always seemed to be around every time there was a death in the school. I mean, police? Yeah, they had a reason to be involved, but the army? Things were just too weird, and too interesting to just sit back and let things unfold on their own. If I wanted to find answers, than I was gonna have to look for them on my own.

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Winifred Burkle
Sun, Aug. 14th, 2005 03:21 am

Spending time with Willow had really helped calm my fears, fears I didn't know I had until Wesley and Riley left to find Connor and Dawn. Everything that had happened seemed so real still. It was almost like, if I closed my eyes I could still see it, and feel it... Angel...us holding me down, trying to kiss me, Cordelia laughing, and Willow... Willow trying to help, trying hard not to cry, trying to plead with them to let me go.

I felt, I felt so embarrassed to show my face to the world, as if everything had been my fault. I knew it wasn't, I knew it. But deep down I couldn’t bring my mind to think otherwise. I almost felt... felt dirty, felt used, felt like I wasn't worthy to be with anyone anymore because of what had happened. I mean, how could some one want me after that? Why would they?

Maybe that's why I had been how I had been with Wesley. Subconsciously I was trying to push him away, when all along, what I really wanted to do was just let him in, and take comfort in him. But I was just this mess of mixed signals and he probably didn't know where to being. Still, that was just my assumption. Things were probably not like that at all.

Or at least Willow didn't think that they were.

And she really was right. After Connor had come and gone, everything that I had been feeling before sort of went out the door as I worried about Wesley, and everything else that was happening around me.

As Wesley walked through the door, all my fears came to a halt. Just seeing him, seeing that he was okay and not dead somewhere really made me realize how much I felt for him. On impulse I kissed him. In front of everybody, and it didn't feel weird or anything like that, it felt real. It felt right. For that one small moment, I felt normal, I felt almost as if nothing had ever happened to me. Maybe there was hope for me yet. Maybe.

And just like that moment came, it went. I don't know how long I simply stood there looking at him, seemed like forever, but even forever wasn't long enough. Before I knew it everyone had left us and it was just him and me. Alone.

I explained to him about Connor coming down here, acting as if though everything was alright and then... and then not. I worried about him, worried about Dawn. Things were getting really bad really quick, and in the back of my mind, there was only one person I could blame for all of this... the same person that ruined my whole life. I tried not to hate him, tired to understand that Angel and Angelus were different people, but right now, I couldn't differentiate from the two.

Just as Angelus was guilty of everything that had happened, so was Angel, for running away, for leaving everything just as it was without trying to make things right again, and facing everyone like he should have. Connor... whatever was happening to him wouldn't have happened if he had been here, or if it did, it could have been prevented some how. Now it was up to us to pick up all the pieces and clean up the mess he had left behind.

I wondered if he knew about Connor though, I wondered if he knew and had come back. If that were the case, I didn't know how I would react if I saw him again. Didn't think that I could. I did ask Wesley if he was... just to be sure. Just to... I don't know... be prepared I guess, for whatever comes.

He looked at me and cupped my face with his hand, reassuring me, telling me he wasn't here, and that if he was, he didn't know it. That was good enough for me. He kissed my forehead and I felt a shiver run right through me as he did. I looked up at him and tried to smile, but I felt my eyes glaze, tears threatening to pour over. I closed my eyes and rested my head on his chest, trying to find some comfort, some type of solace of some kind... I truly loved him, of that I was sure now, but I felt ashamed, I felt violated, like something was taken away from me, something that I would never be able to get back and the thought just made me feel bad. Deep down I wondered if he was just being this way with me out of pity, just to be nice, and not cause me any more grief. Maybe I had it all wrong and his own feelings were just as strong as my own. I guess I wouldn't know unless I asked... and I wasn't asking.

Current Mood: nervous nervous

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Winifred Burkle
Mon, Jul. 25th, 2005 10:27 pm

After a sinful amount of chocolate and some girl talk with Willow, I really began to feel better. I almost felt normal for once, I felt as if though this great huge weight had been lifted off of my shoulders. I could finally breathe easy since... Still, there were little reminders of what had happened, small things that still made me think about what had happened to me. I still felt sore and- I still had the bruises that constantly reminded me that I had been raped, and not by some stranger, but by the one person I trusted the most. Someone who I cared... for.

Peeling the last piece of chocolate I smiled at Willow. She was really strong and she was really brave. She knew so much about a lot of things and she was really sweet. I was glad that she was here with me. Not only because I really didn't want to be alone, but because she and I had really become close friends. We both shared so much in common... I could almost see myself in her.

Looking at the clock I began to worry a little. It had been a while since Wesley and Riley had left to look for Connor and Dawn. And, they hadn’t called with any news. I had tried not to worry, but it was almost impossible now. It was getting late, and anything could have happened to them.

I felt so helpless, just sitting here doing nothing. I was still in no condition to be out walking around L.A by myself or at all, especially at this time, and Willow, well, she wasn't really going anywhere without a wheelchair. And I wasn't going to let her go off on her own either and I had an idea that she wouldn't let me leave this place either.

Still, I worried. I wished Wesley would call, or Riley. And tell if they had found Connor and Dawn. Something in the pit of my stomach told me that things weren't quite right. And I really hated feeling that way. I looked at the clock again, and I was sure that by this time, with the look of worry in my face, Willow was probably feeling the same way.

I didn't way anything for the longest time because, well... I just didn't want to think about all the different scenarios that could possibly be happening right about now. It was the problem of being such a science nerd... the scenarios, the different possibilities, and the different outcomes of the same problem.

Finally, though, my worries got the best of me and I couldn't hold them in any longer.

"You know... it's been a while since Wesley and Riley left. Do you think they're okay? I mean, they should have called by now, don't you think?" I crossed my arms and leaned up against the bed post before continuing. "Maybe something happened? Or, maybe they didn't take their cell phones? Do you think they’re okay?"

Current Mood: worried worried

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Winifred Burkle
Sun, Jun. 12th, 2005 01:00 pm

I walk into Wesley's office with the news and smile as I see him standing at his desk, organizing books and papers. Always the bookman, "I just got off the phone. Looks like the kids are coming out of their stasis."

"Oh...good. I think we did some excellent work back there." I can feel my heart racing, in a good kind of way.

"I think you're right." I say taking a few steps forward and smiling broadly.

"And now..." He grabs his coat and I try to think of something to say, something, and anything to get him to stay just a few minutes longer.

"And now..." Is all I can manage. I can feel the butterflies in my stomach almost making me feel sick, but in a good kind of way.

"We'd better get some rest. No telling when the next crisis will strike." I sort of frown as he starts to walk towards the door. I can't let him just walk away, can I? I mean, if he doesn't make the first move, then...

"You're just gonna go, aren't you?" I tell him, stepping in front of him, cutting him off before he can reach the door.

"Fred—" I look at him nervously. I'm gonna have to be the one to do this, aren't I... after all this time of him sending me all kinds of signals, he was the one that was missing them all.

"Haven't you been... sensing anything lately... about me... coming from me?" I say searching his expression. "Uh... didn't occur to you that... something might have changed? That— I'm looking at you in a different— Oh, screw it." I put my hands on either side of his face and kiss him on the lips. For a moment I forget to breathe and finally when our lips part I take a step back, and look into his eyes hoping for a reaction or anything.

"Um..." Not quite the reaction I was looking for... but it was something.

"That was a signal. Okay? Is that... clear enough for you?"

For two seconds I didn't know what to think. But then, just like that, he drops his blazer, and looks into my eyes and smiles, "Not even close."

This time he's the one that pulls me in, and kisses me passionately, putting his arm around me. I forget about everything... and finally, after all this time, we are truly close.

....

I opened my eyes, and gasped. Sitting up, I could see the red numbers of the clock cutting through the darkness. Squinting slightly, the numbers come into focus and I could see 5:45 blinking back at me. And the sound of the alarm beating loudly at my ears. I turned it off and rest my head against the headboard and smile, my mind taking me back to my dream and that first kiss. I touch my lips and wonder if it actually happened the way I remember. Of course it did, silly. I think to myself.

I couldn't quite remember when or how my feelings had changed for him. It had been a long time since I had felt this way for anyone. For the past few months I had been immersed into my work, the lab, hardly had time for anything else that didn't include a case file. Lucky for us, Angel had to go all puppet man; gave Wesley and I the opportunity to finally work together, and I guess for me to realize what I... no, who I truly wanted in my life.

I got out of bed and went about my normal morning routine. After an hour or so I was ready for another day at Evil, Inc. Although, it didn't seem like such an evil place anymore. Not since the kiss anyway. Sure, our work was marginally questionable at times, and most of our clients were... evil, but all aspects considered, it wasn't always so bad. We all did real good things with our resources. And I had a few important projects I was working on back at the lab. Speaking of which, if I didn't leave now, I would never get to work on time. With all the morning traffic, it would take a miracle to get me to work at eight.

Finally, after forty-five minutes of bumper to bumper traffic I was able to make to the firm's parking structure with five minutes to spare. My face had a permanent smile plastered on it. I didn't think I had ever been this excited about coming in to work. Walking through the lobby doors, I headed straight for the elevators that lead to my lab. I smiled, nodded, said hello to a few people and thing, he, she, or its, as I passed them by, and then headed straight to my office. I wondered what kind of excuse I could come up with to visit Wesley. I mean, I had a lot of things to get to, a lot of research to go over, plus some new specimens that had come in that needed some dissecting.

Maybe we could do lunch, or take a few minutes to get some breakfast, although, I already had some breakfast so the lunch idea was probably the best idea after all. I looked at the phone, the time on it read 8:17, maybe he was in his office right about now... maybe not, or maybe he had stopped by Angel's first. Maybe he was down at files and records-- maybe I was thinking about this way too much.

Current Mood: cheerful cheerful

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Winifred Burkle
Wed, Jun. 8th, 2005 11:26 pm

I tried to think about everything once more. All the things I was gonna say to explain the situation down here. I closed my eyes for a sec and massaged my temples with my finger tips. My thoughts racing so fast that it was almost hard to keep up with them. Why didn't we think about this before? The answer had been right there, staring right at us, probably laughing at us... well, not literally, but it was there! Right in front of us all this time--- and yet we had chosen to over look this small detail in our haste. Humongous mistake that had been. Oh god... there was so much at stake, but we had to try something. We just had to, other wise we would lose him. I couldn't afford to make anymore mistakes.

This was the only way.

.........

EarlierCollapse )

.........

I stared at the number in my hand. I should have done the research sooner, before we even performed the spell on Angel. But I couldn’t look on that now. Now I just needed to work the problem out and look for the best possible solution and there was only one.

Call on the cavalry.

From all that I could pull together, Willow had been the only to re-ensoul Angel successfully. She was the only one with that kind of power and she was only a few hours away from L.A. All we needed was her fresh brains and nifty magicks and we could set things right again.

See? Easy as pie. A bloody almost mushed to pieces kind of pie of the non dairy or edible variety and more of the numerical one.

I picked up the phone and keyed in the number on the keypad. I only hoped she would be able to come. That she could help us. I didn't see why she wouldn't, unless she was busy with world in peril stuff, then that would totally be the worse time to call, but she was my last hope.

Finally after a few seconds a voice on the other end picked up, and I felt... relieved.

"Umm... hello? Can- can I... talk to.. umm Willow? Uh- is she there?"

Current Mood: anxious anxious

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Winifred Burkle
Tue, May. 24th, 2005 01:30 am

[continued from here]

"...Knox was one of Illyria's acolytes and had ordained you to be the one to become her, he said, because he wanted someone as majestic as you to be the vessel for Illyria to return. His plans met a snag in customs when the sarcophagus that infected you, was held there, only it was released by someone who made a deal for it to be released so that he wouldn't lose all of his knowledge, so that he could get an upgrade. One, Charles Gunn, whom I stabbed for his part in it..."

For the longest time I didn't say anything at all. So much had happened, so many things that shouldn't have... but then again, that was always the case with us. Our lives were full of what ifs, what shouldn't have been, and what could have been. Occupational hazard. I think Cordelia had been the one to say that once. But we all knew the consequences of the battles that we chose to fight.

I tried to read the expression on his face but I couldn't, there were too many emotions mixed in that it was hard to pick one that would stand out. He patiently waits for my reaction, waits as he always does. Maybe it's a sad look that covers his face- or the look of angst, or the look of happiness mixed in with awe and pain and love. As I let his words simmer into my brain I began to realize that his whole life has been about waiting. Waiting for me, for my love... Waiting for the apocalypse to come, waiting for prophecies to come to pass, waiting to become what his father wanted him to be... simply waiting, watching. But that was just my observation.

I had been dead a while and while in hell I had come to accept certain things. What else was there other than acceptance? It was too difficult to simply go on in death thinking about the past. Too hard to think about him and everything that I would get to miss. But, I guess, love always finds a way.

Finally, I broke the silence that had fallen between us. It had been only a whisper but I was sure he had heard it. "So much for being a bookman. Hmm... Death, pain, weaknesses, forgiveness... what a cruel, cruel world."

He was about to say something else, but I put my fingers to his lips, and leaned in to kiss him. I would never get tired of doing that. I tried to think about what I wanted to say and finally after taking an unneeded breath of hell's air, out of habit more than anything, I was finally able to get the words out.

"Time here seems to go on forever sometimes. And the darkness seems to just consume everything it touches," I took his hand and began to caress it as I spoke. "For the longest time I thought I would simply go crazy, thinking about the past, and what could have been… what should have been. All the things I didn’t get to do. All my friends, my parents, the mission... you."

I took another breath and continued, " I had played this very moment in my mind many times over. I had imagined what I would say should I be so lucky to find you again in this- this life after death. For months and months I toyed with the idea of 'what if', but never truly believed in it. Not until now... this very moment. After getting over the fact that my death had been unfair, and that I should be there with you until the end of all things, I came to realize that all I really wanted for you to do was to live. To be happy. To try, and just be happy, even if it was without me. Guess things never quite work out that way for some of us. Huh..."

I leaned my head against his shoulder and I knew he wanted to say something, but I needed to get this out, I needed to let him know… what it had been like for me. "Don’t... let me finish," I whispered softly.

"For a long time I wouldn't let myself accept what had happened, but then I began to realize that I had to let go. I realized that as untimely and unjust as my death had been I had to move on. I couldn't simply hold on to empty dreams that would just destroy me in the end... This place... it can get to you some times. But now- now we have an eternity to make up for lost time, an eternity to take back what we had lost."

I thought again about all that had transpired in my absence. About this Illyria. My death had been my mistake more than anything. I should have been more careful I should have known. I also thought about Charles... I thought about Angel and Spike, Lorne... Still my friends, still the people that loved, but they were out there, in a different place. They had to carry on with the mission.

I looked up at him again, and caressed his face, ran my fingers through his hair. So soft as always, so thick and full. No more sadness, no more pain, just us. A second chance. "I guess the beast swallowed us whole and was able to digest us after all," A pause. "So much for working from inside the belly of the beast. " I said smiling. "At least you guys gave it the worst indigestion ever..."

Current Mood: contemplative contemplative

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