Everything that had happened up to this point seemed almost un-real. I still couldn't quite process what had happened and all the implications that it was gonna bring. I wondered who could do such a thing. I had seen a lot of things since my days in Pylea. Even more, after we decided to come to work at Wolfram and Hart, but I had never seen anything like this. It was simply so cruel. So calculated. Who could have the stomach for it? I wondered what Angel would say, how he would react to the news. Actually, I didn't have to wonder, I already knew.

I couldn't stop thinking about every one that had died in the blast. I imagined all their bodies, burned. I didn't even dare to turn on the T.V; the media was probably at the scene right now. I didn't want to have to see what remained...

Just a few minutes before we had all been talking about them. Debating weather or not to call and clear things up with them. And just like that, we find out that there is nothing left. Wesley's mother confirmed everything for us. I wondered if she had someone to console her, some one comfort her in her loss, but Wesley never really talked about his parents, so I didn't know. I had felt bad enough for asking her about what happened when she was too upset to talk, but we had to know for sure. Wesley had to know for sure.

At first, Wesley didn't even move when the news of the massacre were confirmed. You'd think he had turned catatonic or something like that; he just stood there, with the phone in his hand unable to say not one word to his mom. And even after I hung up, and looked at him, there was no reaction from him. It was as if though he wasn't even there. Of course that was until I broke down and started to cry. I hadn't meant to do that. I had wanted to be the strong one, but for those few moments after I began to process everything, I just simply couldn't hold back the tears. I hugged Wesley, and tried to find some comfort in his arms, but he was the one that was in need of comforting.

It was only when I regained my composure that Wesley let his emotions take the best of him. He began to cry, almost shake in my arms and then together we fell onto the floor. Everything he had wanted to say, everything he had been feeling simply came out in just one punch right then and there and he was a lost man.

I had never seen Wesley so heart broken, it was as if his whole world was coming down on him and there was no way to hold the pieces together. From the corner of my eye I saw Charles leaving the room giving us the privacy we so desperately needed. He was already trying to get answers, and I wouldn't doubt if he tried to call Angel either, tell him all that had happened. He too was going to be devastated. He knew everyone there better than any one of us.

Why were our lives always so full of tragedies?

I held Wesley so close and caressed his hair as he cried in my arms. I had to be strong for him, I had to be here for him no matter what, and I always would be. I let him cry, let him get it all out until, until there was nothing left inside of him.

What could I say to make him feel better? What could I do to make the pain go away? I didn't know, so I simply held him there, letting his tears mix with mine. "Shhhh.... it's okay. I'm here," I said softly in his ear. And slowly he began to calm down. There was nothing that I could say to him that would make things better for him, all I could do was simply comfort him as best I could.

[Open to Wesley]

I wondered how long I had been in hell... I wondered how my friends were doing, how- how Wesley was doing. I had so many questions, as always, and no one to give me a decent answer. It was day time already; I didn't want to intrude on anyone's party the previous night when I was brought back from the dead. I guess, the shock of coming back was a tough pill to swallow and I didn't feel like explaining myself. I didn't even know where 'here' was... but it wasn't L.A. that was for sure. I had never been anywhere out side of L.A. No, wait, there was Texas. I had grown up there. And there was also Pylea. Been there too... Hell? I had been in hell, or my own private hell. Maybe I had gone crazy and it had all been in my mind... Maybe I had ended up in some place for loonies and somehow escaped and now I was better? Doubtful. But in morbid sort of way, a bit comforting. I guess I still didn't want to believe that I was here, and I was truly alive. I had watched everyone from a distance; I was always good at sneaking around. Something I learned in Pylea. I was cold and hungry too, but compared to where I had just been, this was another day at park. At some point I fell as sleep. Guess I was afraid that I would wake up there again. But I didn't.

I did, however, have many dreams. Some dreams were just mundane, didn't really mean anything. Other dreams- well, they were of the times when I was in hell, lost and lone. For a second, I thought that they were real, until they dissolved and I began to dream of other things...

Wesley, Charles, Angel and Cordelia and I were having dinner together, Chinese. I couldn't remember what we were talking about, but I remember laughing and being uncomfortable with the use of a spoon and fork. I felt happy, and warm. I was amongst friends, people that cared for me, and I cared for them. We were all a family. Wished I could have stayed in that dream a bit longer.

Then I dreamed about Wolfram and Hart. About Wesley and I, about the sarcophagus. I felt so stupid for being so curious about everything. Felt stupid because I wasn't careful when I knew the dangers and because of it I had lost everything that mattered. I wondered what it was that killed me and I wondered if they had been able to destroy it before it did any more damage.

My boys I said to myself. They would have won, no doubt about that. They always found a way to beat the bad guy.

I didn't really remember the last thing I dreamt about. It really didn't mean anything to me, but somehow things in my dream did feel familiar. Maybe it was just one of those dreams we have that, are just meaningless and you don't have them because you watched a movie or listened to a song right before you went to bed. I really didn't know.

I was in a cave, or at least it looked like a cave and I was standing in the middle of it, on a bridge that connected one side of the cave to the other. And I was looking down on it. There were coffins or that's what they looked like to me, and somehow I knew that the whole went all the way through, all the way to the other side of the world. I was simply looking down all the way through the other side. And that was all. I woke up after that.

I was a little startled at first. I didn't know where I was, or what I had been doing, but then I remembered all that had happened.

I need to call Wolfram & Hart. That was the first thought that had popped into my head.

That had been on my mind almost from the moment I arrived. I had to let someone know I was okay. That- that I was alive, that I was back. I had to call my parents, I had to let them all know. I had to...

I took a deep breath. I wasn't gonna solve nothing by just standing here. I picked a few leaves from hair and made my way towards the front door. I hoped that who ever answered the door didn't think I was some type of crazy woman. I reached for the door and knocked. I stood there for a few seconds then realized that there was a doorbell. How could I have missed it? Did I come back from the dead with less brain cells? "Focus Fred, focus.." I was just so nervous and anxious. Finally, I rang the doorbell and waited. Hopefully some one in this place was gonna be nice enough to help me.

[Open to Kennedy]

I was dying all over again, I could feel it coming- my skin so cold and hard like stone- the cold heat burning me up from the inside out, leaving nothing but an empty shell. I was dying, in hell, I was dying... always dying- only this time Wesley wasn't at my bedside with tears in his eyes. This time, I wasn't the one trying to be strong. The words he spoke over and over again while I pleaded with him to forgive me for- for everything... were that of a man who had lost it all.

It was all happening so quickly, and yet, it really wasn’t.

He held me steady as I began to fall to the ground, his eyes empty and almost full of hate. I closed my eyes hoping that it would all end soon, but it didn't- it never did, not soon enough. The pain that I felt was unbearable, but his words were even worse- I could have lived forever in hell without those words. They were like knives, and I didn't know how to shut them out.

"Fred," He said, his lips touching my skin. "I loved you, but I died in the arms of a lie. You were a lie, Fred, that’s all you ever were. Nothing but a lie..."

"I'm sorry, Wesley... I'm sorry I couldn't stay." I was crying, my body trembling, almost convulsing. I knew this moment all too well. I knew what came next, and yet, I didn’t- I always wished for a different ending, but it was only wishful thinking. Death was always the end.

I felt him push me away hard letting my limp body fall to the floor, making a loud ‘thump’ as it hit the hard cold floor. And just like that it was over. Wesley was gone, and I was the only thing left in this place. I was alone again, alone in the dark, in hell. Soon, everything would start all over again, all from the beginning...

( Cross my heart... )

I could see the symbols in my mind... all of them there, jumbled up together like- like momma’s soup, the one she used to make on Sundays. Things didn’t quite make sense anymore, and I was lost again, so lost, and so alone just like I had been before- ...before what? I tried to scribble everything I could remember on the walls of the cave, over and over; the numbers and letters that made up the mathematical and quantum equation that had brought me here in the first place, along with things I tried hard not to forget because... because they were the only things that I had left, the only things that made me almost human in this place, and not just some animal lost somewhere in an alternate dimension for five years- or was it longer than that...? I closed my eyes and tried to remember the words in the book: Plrtz Glrb... or was it Glrb Plrtz. I wasn’t sure anymore.

Poor little Fred- fell right into the rabbit hole and now she’s lost through the looking glass in a time and a in a place where monsters live, there are no white rabbits and there are no cats with creepy smiles that disappear into thin air, or caterpillars that smoke... how does the story go?

I kept trying to find the click, trying hard to make sense out of things, trying hard to remember something that I had lost- memories that made me... me. And every time I got close, every time the blur began to focus the pain would come, making me feel like an empty shell, the skin so hard and cold, like the walls of the care. My hands hurt from etching out the letters, words and numbers on the walls and floors of the cave-- and just as I finished the writing the story, my story, everything became a blur and began to fade as fast as I had put it there.

So lost.

I began to scribble on the walls again and as always, the voice in the background began to speak, it was low at first, barely a whisper until it started to take shape, take form and become recognizable. Almost familiar?

( Winifred in wonderland, or is it hell? )

So as usual, the day had been just so weird. And not just any kind of weird, this was like, small town weird. The only normal thing that had happened to me all week had been when I accidentally bumped into one of the students as I was headed to class, and then helped her pick up the books that went flying off of her hands as I clumsily ran into her. She seemed really nice, kinda quiet, but really nice and it was about time that I bumped into someone who was nice. Not that students here weren’t, and- well, neither was I during my strange trip to the twilight zone. I was still trying to get my head around that one. And I was planning on doing my own little research on possessions and the magicks and all of that stuff. I needed to understand what had happened to me, and- well, also needed to thank Willow again for helping me out on that one.

Yeah, and the week only got better. Not only had I been possessed, and... de-possessed, Wesley had left too, my fault apparently, I knew it had to be, since the last time we were together... yeah... wasn't even gonna reminisce at how awful I had been with him. And then, the thing that had caught my attention the most had been the Newspaper article that talked about the school losing its government funding. That was a major blow, to the science department, and I had to think about how it was going to affect my own studies. Things didn't begin to click right away in my head. I had just seen it as a series of unfortunate events that happened from time to time, but as I read the article in depth, I realized that it was a little more complicated than that.

I had been looking forward all semester to Professor Walsh's Science Outreach Program. And most of the students here knew that she was one of its biggest supporters. And yeah, sometime these things happen, programs get cut down, there's less funding that goes into the program, or it gets cut down all together, like it did here. But that was not the thing that struck me as odd, what piqued my interest was the fact that Professor Walsh decided to leave U.C. Sunnydale right after they cut the funds. To my knowledge, she wasn't disliked or anything like that. Yeah, she was tough, but she was also one of the top professors in the school... so why the sudden rush?

You'd think I'd leave that alone right there. Just one thought out of the pool of many that fill my head from hour to hour. But as I walked to one of my classes, I couldn't help but notice the overwhelming army presence around the school. And to me, it just seemed a little more than just coincidence. I still had about forty minutes before class started, so I decided to take a little detour and make my way towards the library, where I could dig up some more stuff about the different programs that were funded by the government here in school. The other thing that hovered in my mind like an electron was the death of another student. I hated to think that things were connected, but I couldn't help but notice how these army guys always seemed to be around every time there was a death in the school. I mean, police? Yeah, they had a reason to be involved, but the army? Things were just too weird, and too interesting to just sit back and let things unfold on their own. If I wanted to find answers, than I was gonna have to look for them on my own.

Spending time with Willow had really helped calm my fears, fears I didn't know I had until Wesley and Riley left to find Connor and Dawn. Everything that had happened seemed so real still. It was almost like, if I closed my eyes I could still see it, and feel it... Angel...us holding me down, trying to kiss me, Cordelia laughing, and Willow... Willow trying to help, trying hard not to cry, trying to plead with them to let me go.

I felt, I felt so embarrassed to show my face to the world, as if everything had been my fault. I knew it wasn't, I knew it. But deep down I couldn’t bring my mind to think otherwise. I almost felt... felt dirty, felt used, felt like I wasn't worthy to be with anyone anymore because of what had happened. I mean, how could some one want me after that? Why would they?

Maybe that's why I had been how I had been with Wesley. Subconsciously I was trying to push him away, when all along, what I really wanted to do was just let him in, and take comfort in him. But I was just this mess of mixed signals and he probably didn't know where to being. Still, that was just my assumption. Things were probably not like that at all.

Or at least Willow didn't think that they were.

And she really was right. After Connor had come and gone, everything that I had been feeling before sort of went out the door as I worried about Wesley, and everything else that was happening around me.

As Wesley walked through the door, all my fears came to a halt. Just seeing him, seeing that he was okay and not dead somewhere really made me realize how much I felt for him. On impulse I kissed him. In front of everybody, and it didn't feel weird or anything like that, it felt real. It felt right. For that one small moment, I felt normal, I felt almost as if nothing had ever happened to me. Maybe there was hope for me yet. Maybe.

And just like that moment came, it went. I don't know how long I simply stood there looking at him, seemed like forever, but even forever wasn't long enough. Before I knew it everyone had left us and it was just him and me. Alone.

I explained to him about Connor coming down here, acting as if though everything was alright and then... and then not. I worried about him, worried about Dawn. Things were getting really bad really quick, and in the back of my mind, there was only one person I could blame for all of this... the same person that ruined my whole life. I tried not to hate him, tired to understand that Angel and Angelus were different people, but right now, I couldn't differentiate from the two.

Just as Angelus was guilty of everything that had happened, so was Angel, for running away, for leaving everything just as it was without trying to make things right again, and facing everyone like he should have. Connor... whatever was happening to him wouldn't have happened if he had been here, or if it did, it could have been prevented some how. Now it was up to us to pick up all the pieces and clean up the mess he had left behind.

I wondered if he knew about Connor though, I wondered if he knew and had come back. If that were the case, I didn't know how I would react if I saw him again. Didn't think that I could. I did ask Wesley if he was... just to be sure. Just to... I don't know... be prepared I guess, for whatever comes.

He looked at me and cupped my face with his hand, reassuring me, telling me he wasn't here, and that if he was, he didn't know it. That was good enough for me. He kissed my forehead and I felt a shiver run right through me as he did. I looked up at him and tried to smile, but I felt my eyes glaze, tears threatening to pour over. I closed my eyes and rested my head on his chest, trying to find some comfort, some type of solace of some kind... I truly loved him, of that I was sure now, but I felt ashamed, I felt violated, like something was taken away from me, something that I would never be able to get back and the thought just made me feel bad. Deep down I wondered if he was just being this way with me out of pity, just to be nice, and not cause me any more grief. Maybe I had it all wrong and his own feelings were just as strong as my own. I guess I wouldn't know unless I asked... and I wasn't asking.

After a sinful amount of chocolate and some girl talk with Willow, I really began to feel better. I almost felt normal for once, I felt as if though this great huge weight had been lifted off of my shoulders. I could finally breathe easy since... Still, there were little reminders of what had happened, small things that still made me think about what had happened to me. I still felt sore and- I still had the bruises that constantly reminded me that I had been raped, and not by some stranger, but by the one person I trusted the most. Someone who I cared... for.

Peeling the last piece of chocolate I smiled at Willow. She was really strong and she was really brave. She knew so much about a lot of things and she was really sweet. I was glad that she was here with me. Not only because I really didn't want to be alone, but because she and I had really become close friends. We both shared so much in common... I could almost see myself in her.

Looking at the clock I began to worry a little. It had been a while since Wesley and Riley had left to look for Connor and Dawn. And, they hadn’t called with any news. I had tried not to worry, but it was almost impossible now. It was getting late, and anything could have happened to them.

I felt so helpless, just sitting here doing nothing. I was still in no condition to be out walking around L.A by myself or at all, especially at this time, and Willow, well, she wasn't really going anywhere without a wheelchair. And I wasn't going to let her go off on her own either and I had an idea that she wouldn't let me leave this place either.

Still, I worried. I wished Wesley would call, or Riley. And tell if they had found Connor and Dawn. Something in the pit of my stomach told me that things weren't quite right. And I really hated feeling that way. I looked at the clock again, and I was sure that by this time, with the look of worry in my face, Willow was probably feeling the same way.

I didn't way anything for the longest time because, well... I just didn't want to think about all the different scenarios that could possibly be happening right about now. It was the problem of being such a science nerd... the scenarios, the different possibilities, and the different outcomes of the same problem.

Finally, though, my worries got the best of me and I couldn't hold them in any longer.

"You know... it's been a while since Wesley and Riley left. Do you think they're okay? I mean, they should have called by now, don't you think?" I crossed my arms and leaned up against the bed post before continuing. "Maybe something happened? Or, maybe they didn't take their cell phones? Do you think they’re okay?"

I walk into Wesley's office with the news and smile as I see him standing at his desk, organizing books and papers. Always the bookman, "I just got off the phone. Looks like the kids are coming out of their stasis."

"Oh...good. I think we did some excellent work back there." I can feel my heart racing, in a good kind of way.

"I think you're right." I say taking a few steps forward and smiling broadly.

"And now..." He grabs his coat and I try to think of something to say, something, and anything to get him to stay just a few minutes longer.

"And now..." Is all I can manage. I can feel the butterflies in my stomach almost making me feel sick, but in a good kind of way.

"We'd better get some rest. No telling when the next crisis will strike." I sort of frown as he starts to walk towards the door. I can't let him just walk away, can I? I mean, if he doesn't make the first move, then...

"You're just gonna go, aren't you?" I tell him, stepping in front of him, cutting him off before he can reach the door.

"Fred—" I look at him nervously. I'm gonna have to be the one to do this, aren't I... after all this time of him sending me all kinds of signals, he was the one that was missing them all.

"Haven't you been... sensing anything lately... about me... coming from me?" I say searching his expression. "Uh... didn't occur to you that... something might have changed? That— I'm looking at you in a different— Oh, screw it." I put my hands on either side of his face and kiss him on the lips. For a moment I forget to breathe and finally when our lips part I take a step back, and look into his eyes hoping for a reaction or anything.

"Um..." Not quite the reaction I was looking for... but it was something.

"That was a signal. Okay? Is that... clear enough for you?"

For two seconds I didn't know what to think. But then, just like that, he drops his blazer, and looks into my eyes and smiles, "Not even close."

This time he's the one that pulls me in, and kisses me passionately, putting his arm around me. I forget about everything... and finally, after all this time, we are truly close.

....

I opened my eyes, and gasped. Sitting up, I could see the red numbers of the clock cutting through the darkness. Squinting slightly, the numbers come into focus and I could see 5:45 blinking back at me. And the sound of the alarm beating loudly at my ears. I turned it off and rest my head against the headboard and smile, my mind taking me back to my dream and that first kiss. I touch my lips and wonder if it actually happened the way I remember. Of course it did, silly. I think to myself.

I couldn't quite remember when or how my feelings had changed for him. It had been a long time since I had felt this way for anyone. For the past few months I had been immersed into my work, the lab, hardly had time for anything else that didn't include a case file. Lucky for us, Angel had to go all puppet man; gave Wesley and I the opportunity to finally work together, and I guess for me to realize what I... no, who I truly wanted in my life.

I got out of bed and went about my normal morning routine. After an hour or so I was ready for another day at Evil, Inc. Although, it didn't seem like such an evil place anymore. Not since the kiss anyway. Sure, our work was marginally questionable at times, and most of our clients were... evil, but all aspects considered, it wasn't always so bad. We all did real good things with our resources. And I had a few important projects I was working on back at the lab. Speaking of which, if I didn't leave now, I would never get to work on time. With all the morning traffic, it would take a miracle to get me to work at eight.

Finally, after forty-five minutes of bumper to bumper traffic I was able to make to the firm's parking structure with five minutes to spare. My face had a permanent smile plastered on it. I didn't think I had ever been this excited about coming in to work. Walking through the lobby doors, I headed straight for the elevators that lead to my lab. I smiled, nodded, said hello to a few people and thing, he, she, or its, as I passed them by, and then headed straight to my office. I wondered what kind of excuse I could come up with to visit Wesley. I mean, I had a lot of things to get to, a lot of research to go over, plus some new specimens that had come in that needed some dissecting.

Maybe we could do lunch, or take a few minutes to get some breakfast, although, I already had some breakfast so the lunch idea was probably the best idea after all. I looked at the phone, the time on it read 8:17, maybe he was in his office right about now... maybe not, or maybe he had stopped by Angel's first. Maybe he was down at files and records-- maybe I was thinking about this way too much.

I tried to think about everything once more. All the things I was gonna say to explain the situation down here. I closed my eyes for a sec and massaged my temples with my finger tips. My thoughts racing so fast that it was almost hard to keep up with them. Why didn't we think about this before? The answer had been right there, staring right at us, probably laughing at us... well, not literally, but it was there! Right in front of us all this time--- and yet we had chosen to over look this small detail in our haste. Humongous mistake that had been. Oh god... there was so much at stake, but we had to try something. We just had to, other wise we would lose him. I couldn't afford to make anymore mistakes.

This was the only way.

.........

( Earlier )

.........

I stared at the number in my hand. I should have done the research sooner, before we even performed the spell on Angel. But I couldn’t look on that now. Now I just needed to work the problem out and look for the best possible solution and there was only one.

Call on the cavalry.

From all that I could pull together, Willow had been the only to re-ensoul Angel successfully. She was the only one with that kind of power and she was only a few hours away from L.A. All we needed was her fresh brains and nifty magicks and we could set things right again.

See? Easy as pie. A bloody almost mushed to pieces kind of pie of the non dairy or edible variety and more of the numerical one.

I picked up the phone and keyed in the number on the keypad. I only hoped she would be able to come. That she could help us. I didn't see why she wouldn't, unless she was busy with world in peril stuff, then that would totally be the worse time to call, but she was my last hope.

Finally after a few seconds a voice on the other end picked up, and I felt... relieved.

"Umm... hello? Can- can I... talk to.. umm Willow? Uh- is she there?"

[continued from here]

"...Knox was one of Illyria's acolytes and had ordained you to be the one to become her, he said, because he wanted someone as majestic as you to be the vessel for Illyria to return. His plans met a snag in customs when the sarcophagus that infected you, was held there, only it was released by someone who made a deal for it to be released so that he wouldn't lose all of his knowledge, so that he could get an upgrade. One, Charles Gunn, whom I stabbed for his part in it..."

For the longest time I didn't say anything at all. So much had happened, so many things that shouldn't have... but then again, that was always the case with us. Our lives were full of what ifs, what shouldn't have been, and what could have been. Occupational hazard. I think Cordelia had been the one to say that once. But we all knew the consequences of the battles that we chose to fight.

I tried to read the expression on his face but I couldn't, there were too many emotions mixed in that it was hard to pick one that would stand out. He patiently waits for my reaction, waits as he always does. Maybe it's a sad look that covers his face- or the look of angst, or the look of happiness mixed in with awe and pain and love. As I let his words simmer into my brain I began to realize that his whole life has been about waiting. Waiting for me, for my love... Waiting for the apocalypse to come, waiting for prophecies to come to pass, waiting to become what his father wanted him to be... simply waiting, watching. But that was just my observation.

I had been dead a while and while in hell I had come to accept certain things. What else was there other than acceptance? It was too difficult to simply go on in death thinking about the past. Too hard to think about him and everything that I would get to miss. But, I guess, love always finds a way.

Finally, I broke the silence that had fallen between us. It had been only a whisper but I was sure he had heard it. "So much for being a bookman. Hmm... Death, pain, weaknesses, forgiveness... what a cruel, cruel world."

He was about to say something else, but I put my fingers to his lips, and leaned in to kiss him. I would never get tired of doing that. I tried to think about what I wanted to say and finally after taking an unneeded breath of hell's air, out of habit more than anything, I was finally able to get the words out.

"Time here seems to go on forever sometimes. And the darkness seems to just consume everything it touches," I took his hand and began to caress it as I spoke. "For the longest time I thought I would simply go crazy, thinking about the past, and what could have been… what should have been. All the things I didn’t get to do. All my friends, my parents, the mission... you."

I took another breath and continued, " I had played this very moment in my mind many times over. I had imagined what I would say should I be so lucky to find you again in this- this life after death. For months and months I toyed with the idea of 'what if', but never truly believed in it. Not until now... this very moment. After getting over the fact that my death had been unfair, and that I should be there with you until the end of all things, I came to realize that all I really wanted for you to do was to live. To be happy. To try, and just be happy, even if it was without me. Guess things never quite work out that way for some of us. Huh..."

I leaned my head against his shoulder and I knew he wanted to say something, but I needed to get this out, I needed to let him know… what it had been like for me. "Don’t... let me finish," I whispered softly.

"For a long time I wouldn't let myself accept what had happened, but then I began to realize that I had to let go. I realized that as untimely and unjust as my death had been I had to move on. I couldn't simply hold on to empty dreams that would just destroy me in the end... This place... it can get to you some times. But now- now we have an eternity to make up for lost time, an eternity to take back what we had lost."

I thought again about all that had transpired in my absence. About this Illyria. My death had been my mistake more than anything. I should have been more careful I should have known. I also thought about Charles... I thought about Angel and Spike, Lorne... Still my friends, still the people that loved, but they were out there, in a different place. They had to carry on with the mission.

I looked up at him again, and caressed his face, ran my fingers through his hair. So soft as always, so thick and full. No more sadness, no more pain, just us. A second chance. "I guess the beast swallowed us whole and was able to digest us after all," A pause. "So much for working from inside the belly of the beast. " I said smiling. "At least you guys gave it the worst indigestion ever..."

I still felt kinda fizzy, almost as if I had drank too much vodka and sprite. Only different. And the headache, it was still there even after the four Advil I had taken for it. I still couldn't believe what I had done. I still couldn't believe that I had done all those things. It was like... what was I thinking. And that was the problem, wasn't it? I hadn't been thinking. I was body jacked by some, evil demon something or other. I couldn’t remember the exact words Willow had used.

I opened up the refrigerator door and pulled out a bottle of water, still feeling a bit thirsty. I was sure it wasn't because of the walk back to my dorm from the Espresso Pump. Well, I guess, on the brighter side of Sunnydale, things were back to normal for me now. I mean, sure... I had to apologize to a few... a lot of people, but I got a good head start.

I couldn't hide the world of embarrassment I felt around Willow and her friends. They were all so nice. Yep, real, nice solid people. If it hadn't been for them I would have turned into some ugly... demonized, crazy person. Her and her friends had found me just in the nick of time, kinda like in the movies, only this was real life. Scary though... Scary to think that I almost turned into some mindless possessed zombie woma- Oh god.

Wesley...

In the midst of it all, I forgot about Wesley. All the things I had said to him. He must be feeling horrible. I had to find him. I had to explain to him what had happened. I mean, he would probably understand, right? I mean, it wasn't really my fault, right? Oh geez! I needed to find him talk to him. Call him... Yep. That's what I should do. Just call.

I picked up my phone and noticed the blinking light on the answering machine. I clutched the phone tight, almost afraid to push the button. I swallowed hard, and pressed it, waiting for the mechanical voice to come on...

YOU HAVE FOUR NEW MESSAGES

"BEEP-- Fred... it's Wesley. Of course it is Wesley, but I decided to call because I wanted to tell you that I am leaving town. I know we have been enjoying the time.. well most of the time at least to get--BEEP"

SECOND MESSAGE

"BEEP -- machine cut me off, but we had some really good times, and I thought I could change, Fred. Become the man you might have needed, but well men like me.. we don't change. I am a Rogue De--BEEP"

THIRD MESSAGE

"BEEP-- Cursed machine again, where was I? Oh yes. Rogue Demon Hunter. I am a Rogue Demon Hunter, and I cannot allow the love of a woman to tie me down... I need the open road. I need to Hunt down those Rogue Demons, and make them sorry they ever crossed the path of -- BEEP"

FOURTH MESSAGE

"BEEP-- Oh Hell. Fred, I am sorry, but I can't see you anymore. I received word of a Demon infestation in the next town and I am leaving in roughly an hour. Perhaps I shall write to you... but before your machine cuts off again... You are a lovely--BEEP"

END OF MESSAGES

Gone. He was gone. The whole Rogue Demon thing was probably just and excuse. He had left because of what had happened. He had left because of what I did. I didn't even get a chance to apologize or even explain things. And now I was never gonna. My stomach was in knots... I put the phone down and stared at the machine.

When I was younger, I always thought death was final. That death would be the end of everything, that it was the equation that would never have a solution. Then I got lost for five years, and every now and then I thought that maybe I had died and gone to hell. But it wasn't true. The real hell wasn't that picturesque. I had simply gotten lost. I had been this close to dying more than once in Pylea... almost... but not quite.

My real death came rather abruptly. I didn't think my life would end that way either. Not in a million years. Who knew that the fable was true, I guess curiosity did kill the cat. And in this case Fred. Was it painful? You bet it was. Just think of how it feels to have your organs liquefy inside of you in a day’s time. Yep. Not really a picnic or a walk in a park. But what hurt the most was seeing him suffer with me-- because of me. Seeing his grief stricken face... thinking of what could have been or what we could of had. Realizing that you found the one person that compliments you in everyway, the one person that truly makes you happy, and truly understands you. And then, watching them die with you. Not literally dying with you, of course, but you know, deep down inside a part of them dies, as you die. I tried to be strong for him, I really did. But it the end, death was stronger than the both of us.

But I was one of the lucky few. He was there with me, through everything. He held my hands, he made me feel safe, and for brief moment I felt peace. The kind of peace that falls before the tempest. It's true what they say, your whole life does flash before your eyes, and even more so. You think about what could have been, and all the things you never got to do. What my life would have been with him. Him, the book man, me the science nerd that I always was. Love, life, kids, growing old together.

Did I deserve to die? No. I did not. Was it unfair? Yeah, it kinda was. No, wait... actually it REALLY was. And just when I was starting to live my life too. Just when I had found something that truly mattered in the world. Doesn't sound fair, does it? But since when was life fair? Things... life is never fair. Was I bitter? Yeah, you could say that I was... but I got over that. It's not easy dying, not like that anyway.

I guess it was just simply the way things worked out. I had come to accept that now. I had to. I couldn't move on if I didn't. Move on to where or what? I didn't know. It had taken quite a long time for me to come to terms with the circumstances of my own death. But what else was I gonna do? I was dead, and nothing could change that. Nothing.

Now, here I was, somewhere in the afterlife. Didn't feel like heaven. Would be so lucky if it were. But I could tell that it wasn't. And if it was, than my dreams had been so very wrong.

Everything was so different, so much bigger, full of noise. Everything had changed and yet I knew that it hadn't. I didn't feel safe, it was not safe out there, it was another world, one that I couldn't remember anymore, or could, or wouldn't or- it was just big and vast and scary. My brain, my brain kept telling me this was home, but my eyes, they said something different.

I walked about the room trying to find a clean space to write, my thoughts, and my theorems, anything that could help me understand what had happened better. Finally, I found and empty space and began to write on it with my marker.

Big brains are not always better. If you can’t speak sentences of more than 2-3 words at a time without them all blending together like a summer drink, you likely cannot think complicated thoughts either. I smiled and thought about Pylea and its in habitants.

A cave, a girl lost in a cave, called it home. It was safe there, it was warm and cold and it was home. She was all alone, but it was what she knew... I frowned and went back to pacing.

It was all a dream, and I've always been here. This is what was real now, that had been just a dream. And now I was awake. A handsome man saved me from my dream... from my nightmare, and I was safe, it would all be okay, all of it. Things, the world it was all as it should have been five years ago. Things were normal. Things were back to normal.

I pulled the covers and looked out the window, the world didn't feel the same as before, maybe it was me that was changed. Maybe it was me who was broken. Maybe I just missed my parents too much. Maybe they missed me, or maybe they didn't miss me at all. Maybe they never knew I was gone. Maybe all of it wasn't real. And I just woke up from a dream.

Yeah...

That's what it had been, just a bad dream. Just a bad dream I had for five years.

It had been a long time since I had felt this way. Actually, I don’t think I had ever felt quite this way before. It was something different, something quite new, and something that I couldn’t begin to describe. For the first time, ever since we took over this firm, I was truly happy. And that was rarely the thing to be feeling in our line of work.

I leaned back in my chair for a minute feeling just a little bit tired. I didn’t even know if it was morning, noon, or evening, and that was kind of bad. Actually, judging by how quiet the lab was, it was probably past five. But I guess it was part of the job.

I stretched out a little and then looked at the clock. Yikkes! I had been cooked up in my lab since the morning and it was now eight o’clock already. Geez, no wonder I’m starving, I thought to myself.

I was so hungry it wasn't even funny. I guess I just hadn’t had the chance to eat a decent meal all day. Well, I did have a sandwich but since when did a itty-bitty sandwich fill me up? Taking one last look around I got up and grabbed my coat. I had spent all the time I needed to spend in this place for one day. And it was about time I pay a visit to book man.

The day had been so hectic that I didn’t even get a chance to stop by his office and say hello, and by the looks of things he also had busy day since he didn’t come to visit me either. But there was no time like the now to surprise him with a little visit.

I walked out of the lab and towards the elevator. I really had to talk to my parents and tell 'em the good news. I was sure that they were gonna be happy for me. But that would have to wait for now. Right now, what I needed was some good and much deserved quality time with my book man.

The elevator door swung open and I entered, then punched the button that would lead me to his office. I was anxious, I had butterflies in my stomach. He always gave me butterflies. I don’t think anyone else had made me feel quite like that in a long, long time- or just ever. Finally after a few moments the elevator doors opened again and I made my way through the hallway, and in the direction of his office.

In no time, I was there, and I peaked my head through the slightly opened door. And there he was, my book man, deep in though. Probably trying to decipher some old scroll. I watched him for what seemed to be the longest time. I didn’t want to startle him... he just looked so into his work.

But I couldn’t help it. I tapped lightly at the door and smiled at him. I he looked up and smiled back.

"Well here you are... so this is were you’ve been hiding from me," I said as I walked towards him.

I was so completely in love with him, my book man-- my Wesley.

I opened my eyes feeling the cold floor beneath me. Everything was just a blur at first, but only at first, and as my eyes began to focus, I could make out a mirror and next to it a window with the light from what could only be the sun shining through it. I got up, feeling dizzy almost, feeling the same old rage I had felt the night before. The light from the window bothered my eyes, and the smell of the room, the noise outside of my… ‘dwelling’ almost made me feel nauseous. Things… they were not the same, everything seemed different. The people and the things that had once mattered didn’t any more. I touched my face and, it didn’t feel like my face anymore. It was almost like a dream.

What’s happening to me?

The events of the previous night were almost a spec in my memory, already fading away, the anger and rage quickly taking its place. I felt restless, caged, and if I closed my eyes I was almost sure I saw red, black, nothing. I looked at my arms and my skin looked red, as if I had scratched it all night. My face felt moist and a little rough in texture.

I got up, slowly making my way towards the mirror, my face- the magic induced rash had spread throughout out my entire face, my arms, and almost everywhere on my body. I tried to remember the events from the night before, but they seemed so distant. I remembered-- things, faces, but more and more they were all getting meshed together, the months, the days, the hours… all that took precedence was the hate. The hate of this place, of its inhabitants…

I turned back towards window, feeling confused, and lost, wanting to scratch at my skin, wanting this feeling of confusion to end. Finally, I clawed at my skin but it burned. I wanted to find an exit but there was none, things were just so different.

Slowly I made my way towards the door, but my vision became clouded. I leaned on the bed for support, but I could already feel the change inside of me begin. Something strange was taking over me, I could feel it. I lay back the bed felt soft, almost inviting and sleep threatened to takeover me. I could hear a noise in the distance, but I didn’t bother to look up. I didn’t care anymore- nothing really matter anymore.


[Open to Willow whenever she’s done… Please! Help Fred get rid of her possession!]

This was like- like a candy store, only, without the store and without the candy. Although, I still had trouble finding my office. I had gotten lost like seven times this morning. Once right when I was coming in, once when I went to the lunchroom to get coffee, then one more time while looking for Wesley, then… there was... yeah, just like a maze alright.

I was really tired, though. I was still trying to sort things out in my office and I was still trying to get used to the fact that I had a whole science staff team working for me. I mean maybe it wasn’t so bad that Angel had decided to take over this place. I mean, with this resources we could do a lot of good here. We could really help a lot of people, more than the ones we had already been helping. And in the end that is what mattered, right?

In the midst of it all, my stomach started growling. And just the thought of having to leave my office and get lost for an hour just to reach the cafeteria was almost dreadful. I could order Chinese and have it delivered to my office, besides I still had a lot of work to do. I didn’t think I was going to make it back to my apartment at all today. Even Knox had left and he seemed to be the work-a-holic type.

He was also nice. I guess not everyone here was of the evil variety, and that was a comforting thought. And he was also sort of cute in a non-evil nerdy way. And I found that endearing. But he was not really my type. Come to think of it, I didn’t know what that meant really- to have a type. Hmm. Then the thought of Wesley came to mind, I wondered how he was doing. Probably trying to get all caught up with things like me. Maybe he had gone home already.

But all men aside, I had to make a decision, or else I would pass out her from hunger. I could either order Chinese and have it delivered, or starve for an hour while I found my way out of this place. It only took me less than forty-seven seconds to decide on Chinese take-out, or call in, or deliver in, or whatever...

Frowning I picked up the phone and tried to dial the outside extension but I got some weird demonic rituals department.

"Nope that’s not it." I said to myself.

Then I tried dialing one more time and I got someone in the lobby. Couldn’t tell if they were demon or human or evil by the sound of their voice but I asked if they knew how dial out and they did... and that was-- nice of them.

After placing the call I sat back down on my desk and picked up a publication on Black Holes...

Near-extremal black holes are obtained by exciting the Ramond sector of the D1-D5 CFT, where the ground state is highly degenerate. We find that the dual geometries for these ground states have throats that end in a way that is characterized by the CFT state. Below the black hole threshold we find a detailed agreement between propagation in the throat and excitations of the CFT. We study the breakdown of the semiclassical approximation and relate the results to the proposal of gr-qc/0007011 for resolving the information paradox: semiclassical evolution breaks down if hypersurfaces stretch too much during an evolution. We find that a volume V stretches to a maximum throat depth of V/2G.

"Hmm. That's interesting..."

Everything and everyone that I passed by the school grounds annoyed me. I didn’t really know why, but I really couldn’t stand the sight of them. The way that they looked at me, the way that they seemed to think that they were better than me... it just bothered me more than it had in the past. Come to think of it, I never even really noticed it... it never truly bother me until now. Just like Wesley didn’t seem to bother me before, until our little sexual encounter.

How could I have ever liked some one like that? I wondered. I must have been on some type of high to have sex with him. I didn’t understand how one moment I was enjoying it, and the next I couldn’t get away from him fast enough. Boy, what a monumental mistake that was.

As I walked down the halls, one of the students bumped into me and I completely snapped, pushing her into the wall. "Watch where you’re going you moron!" I said with a sneer.

She simply mumbled a "Sorry... I’m sorry." And went the opposite direction. I merely watched her leave with disgust. What in the world had been wrong with me before? I asked myself.

I felt good... I felt liberated of whatever retarded and pathetic excuse of a life I was living before. And as I had said before... What was I thinking? As I began to walk away from the campus another thought came to mind. I needed to do something about this irritating skin problem, maybe I could head towards the magic shop and grab some supplies to get rid of this, whatever it was, once and for all.

That was the one thing that was really annoying the crap out of me at the moment, other than me thinking back to that irritating encounter with Wesley and his private parts, oh and every other geek at the college that wanted to hang out.

Soon I was off of school grounds and getting closer to the magic shop when lo’ and behold, who should I run into but Willow Rosenberg and some guy I couldn’t even recognize. Did he even go to school here?


[Open to Willow and Oz]

I followed Gunn into the big industrial kitchen that had never been used, which I assumed only because it still looked pretty shiny and some what new... not that I thought it was bad that it had never been used, I mean at some point it had to have been used, I mean the hotel itself was pretty old and… I digress.

Everything had just happened so fast that it never really left me time to think. To really think...

I mean, there I was in the library, minding my own business and I get sucked into Plyea, where all humans are considered cows, get rescued after five years, come to a place that was just as scary as the last place I was in and... I should have never ran out.

These were good people, and all I did was make them worry about me and of course I had to go and get myself into trouble. Way to go Fred. What a way to show your appreciation. I should have...

I let out a big sigh and sort of... stood there for a moment, not knowing exactly what to do. I felt sore, every inch of my body still hurt. I mean sure, I had that nifty adrenaline boost when I saw Wesley and Lorne walk into the lobby, all bloody and all their insides showing, but after everything was put back into its respective place and stitched, I came crashing down, realizing the gravity of the situation.

Funny how sometimes the simple realization of the life that swirls around you seems to slaps you right in the face at the oddest times. Angel was nowhere to be found, all of us were hurt, except for Gunn, Cordelia was gone too, and every time I closed my eyes I could see them there... both of them, waiting for me in my dreams to torture me once more.

I shook the thoughts off and tried to smile. I was hungry too, which was good because for me hunger was a great motivator. I smiled at Gunn, eager to help; eager to do anything that was other than being by myself. I rubbed my arm a little and felt yet another one of my many bite wounds and I quickly put my hands to my side.

"So... what can I help with first?"


[Open to Gunn]

I sat in a quiet corner of the room with a book in hand. Eyes half open; I was so tired. Evil never seem to rest so that meant that we didn’t get any rest either. I wished Wesley and Charles would hurry up. I didn’t like doing the research on my own too much.

Well, not this type of research anyways where I had to cross-reference every other word that was in some ancient dead demon language that I would come across to. Wesley was much better when it came to translating certain text than I was.

I was more like science gal. Yeah, let me translate the numerical equation of sub-atomic particles, or examine the insides of an unknown species of demon and place it on the evolution chart… the demon evolution chart, and I was happy as any other science nerd would be. But an ancient text, ancient language… ancient dead demonic language for that matter, and my brain goes into overdrive and sort of shuts down.

I wished Charles and Wesley would hurry.

I looked at the clock. 10:30 pm already. They should have been back by now. I mean how long does it take for two grown men to get take-out? My stomach was growling, and I was surprised the neighbors next door didn’t bang on the walls and told me to shut up. I was so hungry.

I decided to pick up the phone and page them. I began to dial Charles first. Once I had punched in the numbers; I began to hear a loud buzz coming from the desk. I jumped started; I looked over the desk and saw the pager going off.

“Great.” I said putting the phone down.

My stomach growled again and I bit my lip a little in the corner. Ugh! I was so hungry. I hadn’t had anything to eat since lunch and the mega reading that I was doing had made me mega hungry. I picked up the phone again and decided to page Wesley. I dialed the numbers, and then put in the call back number. Not even 30 seconds after I had put the phone down I realized I herd a buzzing noise again only this time it was more of a beep than a buzz. I walked over to Wesley’s coat pocket and pulled out his pager.

“Ok. So what good is a pager if they are not gonna take it with ‘em?” I shook my head and put the pager down.

I was so hungry. I walked over to the refrigerator and pulled out 2 slices bread along with some jelly. I looked in the pantry and found the peanut butter. I began to make myself a PB&J sandwich, something was better than nothing, I guessed. But I had really wanted some hot food tonight. I guess peanut butter and jelly would have to do for now.

I finally came out of the girl’s locker room after taking a shower; I couldn’t believe that there was no hot water left. I guess the swim team decided to take extra long today with their bath. I put away all my toiletries in my bag and made my way down the school’s basement. I swung open the door putting all my stuff way and began to prepare all my things for school the next day. I loved he quiet of the school basement. No one ever came down here, not even the janitor. Too creepy I guess. I always liked the small, and dark places. It was… comforting.

I changed into my PJ’s and pull the covers of my makeshift bed. I did feel sort of lonely on this particular night. I didn’t know why really. Well, I was safe down here, no one ever came down here on account of how creepy it was, but this was the place that I called home now. Once I got confortable, I pulled out my copy of Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet, the one that Ms. Higgins was having us read for English class and I began to, well... read, besides, I always liked a good Shakespearean tragedy before bedtime.

After reading a few pages I realized I really wasn’t too much into it. I was sort of hungry. In fact, I was always hungry. The cafeteria was locked so, I couldn’t roam around in there.

"Geez! What I would give for a taco right about now." I said to myself getting out of bed.

I pulled my backpack and looked for some spare change. Luckily, it seemed I had just enough for a coke and some cheetos.

"Eeep!" I jumped a little excited as I looked in the side pocked of my bag and found another 45 cents. I guess I had enough for some gummy bears as well.

I walked out of the basement and made my way to the near by vending machine. Putting in my money and crossing my fingers, I hoped really hard that it would take my money and give me my goodies. In the past week I had lost $1.50 to this money eating fiend, and just the thought of me having to loose another penny to this machine made me just want to hit it really hard. But it seemed that on this night I was lucky. I grabbed my goodies and I brought them back to the basement. I ate the cheetos and drank the coke slowly. Trying to savor the taste. It wasn’t a hot meal, but it could hold me up until the morning.

I didn’t know why I was so restless tonight. Maybe, I shouldn’t have done my Physics homework so quickly, and really, my Calculus project wasn’t due until next week. I should have just worked on it slowly. I opened the bag of gummy bears and began to play with them.

“This is the mama gummy bear. We will call her Yellow, because well, she is yellow. And this is the papa gummy bear and we will call him Blue, because as you can see he is blue. And this little gummy bear will be called Green, because well, he's just so green and... green.”

I frowned as I looked at the gummy bears, and finally I just put them all in my mouth. I finished eating the rest of the gummy bears, enjoying their artificially contrived fruit flavor. I put the wrappers aside and tried to get some shut-eye. I really need to get to bed if I wanted to wake up in the morning before everyone came in to school.

"I really needed to get friends." I said to myself turning off the lamp near by.